Here is a quick list of some of the things I’ve tried to help my anxiety/depression/back pain/etc. since I first got sick as well as the results and the cost. Of course, I’ve forgotten many of the exact names and can only guess at the prices.
WARREN, PA May-August 2001
That first summer I was not yet very familiar with the whole world of alternative therapies. I mostly tried running and stretching exercises, deep breathing, hot pads, and experimented with cooking spices and easily acquired vitamins and supplements such St. Johns wort and kava kava pills from the local K-mart. No results.
BURLINGTON, VT September-December 2001
Shambhala Center- Meditation sessions, sometimes with chanting, including 3-hour Sunday sessions with walking meditation, lectures. About 20 visits over several months. No discernible effects but a good social opportunity since my roommates were into it. Free.
Shambhala Level One 2-day Meditation Retreat- This was absolute torture. My back hurt the whole time. I hated it. I felt bored and strung out afterward. $60.
Occasional Yoga Classes at Union Street Studio- It was mostly restorative and Kripalu style. I remember it being particularly relaxing but yoga also always calls attention to the pain and leaves me more aware of pain than before. Massage does same thing. I’m so sore and tight I always feel like I could keep on stretching or massaging forever. $40.
Consultation With Chiropractor- “Uh, wow, have you ever been in a car accident?” (Answer: No). Free.
Energetic/Spiritual Healing including Reiki and Crystals, Spirit Dancer Books and Gifts, Jesse Sunquiet- She seemed from my demeanor to assume I was abused as a child which is what every always thinks but I have no recollection of any traumatic events. No results. I think she didn’t charge me because she didn’t feel like she helped. If only everyone would do that.
Reiki Treatment, Jen someone- For helping the pain in my dislocated shoulder. I don’t think it helped the pain but it was the first time I felt “energy” and I remember being a little hyper afterwards and bounding up the hill back home. She also gave me a “grounding” meditation/visualization to practice. $50
Sat Nam Rasayan, Eva Zimet- An energetic treatment that involved cutting cords and removing thoughtforms. I remember feeling more bold and talkative for a day or two after this. $60.
Air Purifier With HEPA Filter and Negative Ion Generator and Brita Water Filter- No noticeable difference in health. $100.
Neurolinguistic Programming Workshop at Bookstore- Sometimes did the exercises at home afterward. No benefits I recall. Free.
4 Counseling Sessions with Rose, University Guidance Center- Greatest benefit was she helped me get incompletes in my classes rather than just fail out. Free.
A Couple of Wicca Ceremonies- Free.
Reading- Most of my reading at this point centered around treatment for depression and social phobia. I also related heavily to The Camera my Mother Gave Me by Susanna Kaysen (author of Girl Interrupted) since it’s about her failure to find relief from a mysterious pain in her vagina via traditional and alternative methods. Library books, Free.
WARREN, PA/CHITTENANGO, NY January-August 2002
Doctor Across the Street- Did some blood tests, I was vegetarian at the time, so I think they indicated borderline anemic. He didn’t get it when I tried to explain the difference between physical and mental tiredness. I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety and prescribed the tranquilizer Lorzepam, but I couldn’t feel any difference so I quit taking it. I was also prescribed the antidepressant Paxil. I don’t think it helped and it totally ruined my sex drive. Mom thinks it helped or at least made me “nicer” and “cuddlier”. Maybe so but it also made me rock back and forth like a mental patient. I started walking in the woods a lot at this time, often 5 or 10 miles per day and I attribute any improvement to that more than the drugs. Covered by insurance/parents. I was under my parent’s insurance at the time so they got all the bills and probably paid the co-pays too.
X-rays on Back- No problem found. Covered by insurance.
Raw Food Diet- I tried to eat raw food to varying degrees between April of this year to June of the next. On the diet I experienced clearer skin, shorter lighter and totally pain free periods, and needed less sleep…more benefits that any other treatment I’ve tried in the past 7 years, but it did not help my back pain and turned me into one of those annoying food hypochondriacs and everyone thought I had an eating disorder. It cost a lot more money to eat this way, I bought mostly organic fruits and vegetables and a lot of special expensive food for variety and treats. I’d estimate $2000 extra on foods, juicer and food processor over the year.
Yoga At Home- Often including long sivasana (relaxation pose), able to become quite relaxed but still no relief from overall back pain/anxiety. Free.
7 Day Master Cleanse Fast- Spent most of the time camping on a hill in the woods. It was an easy fast. I didn’t get sick or weak. Didn’t notice any health benefits but unlike all other treatments fasting saves a ton of money because you aren’t buying food!
Homeopathic Remedies- Those storebought ones in little blue tubes. Took one for anxiety and one for something else. Used up tube, no results. Free, boyfriend shoplifted for me.
Essential Oils- Frankincense and ylang ylang. Used to put them in a burner when meditating, gave me a headache. Free, boyfriend stole the most expensive ones!
Alpha Relaxation CDs- Worked great at putting me to sleep. $20.
BURLINGTON, VT September 2002-May 2003
Aromatherapy Deep Tissue Massage- She didn’t charge me the full price for massage since I was too tight to go deep. Remember feeling overwhelmed by the scent and achy/burned out afterward. $45.
Five Tibetan Rites- Did them every day for a couple of weeks, during same time period stood a few minutes every day with knees bent and back flattened against the wall upon advice by creepy old doctor dude my roommate was dating. No noticeable difference. Book including rites, $5.
Swedish Massage with Emily Garrett (Also Reiki Certified)- No pain relief. $60.
Reiki I Training with Jenny Miller Crystal- After you get the training you are supposed to spend an hour treating yourself for thirty days as your body adjusts to the “higher vibrational energy” of the attunements. I did it sometimes but I can’t really make myself do anything for thirty days in a row, simply not going to happen. Didn’t notice any effects. I can certainly feel the energy and have healed one or two headaches with reiki, but more often it has not worked for acute pains. Other people I have treated can also feel the energy and usually find it relaxing. $200.
Optimum Health Acupuncture and Chinese Herbal Medicine- About 3 sessions plus herbs. She wanted me to eat more warming foods, but I probably didn’t really. The herbs she gave me gave me night sweats. Back pain not touched. She seemed confounded by this. They all do. Sliding scale but I couldn’t afford to keep going. $100.
Yoga Mat, Yoga Videos- Instead of longer more infrequent practices I started doing short morning and evening yoga practice every day at home for awhile. Helped to loosen me up during the day for sure but only slightly relieved the pain and left no lasting impact. The benefits were totally gone if I skipped a session. $70.
Bikram Yoga- 2 or 3 times. Liked the heat but not a huge fan of the militant style. $20.
Running- Did not run often at this time because it began to hurt my knees, something that I’d never had a problem with before, and I became scared of cement. I occasionally ran barefoot around the gym track for short periods of time and went to a cardio kickboxing session or two. Running shoes, $60.
Various Herbs and Supplements from Herbal Healer Academy Catalog- Essiac tincture, colloidal silver, multivitamins, B-vitamins, etc. Seemed to clear up acne at least. $100.
Bee Pollen, Spirulina, Flax Oil, Probiotics- Used in daily breakfast smoothies. No results. $100.
Wheatgrass Juicer, Wheat Berries- I was pretty into this for awhile. I drank tons of the stuff. No impact. $100.
Yeastaway Homeopathic Suppositories by Boiron- For self-diagnosed infection. Did work to relieve symptoms first time, didn’t work the second time I bought it. $20.
Ten Day Fast, Mostly Water- Got weak and sick this time, but felt mostly fine after first two days except I couldn’t sleep at night. It wasn’t a spiritual fast, I still attended classes and work. Especially flexible during fast, but no lasting results. Saved money!
Chiropractor- This was a more comprehensive clinic that wanted to look at my diet, exercise, etc. but it cost too much. No relief from first adjustment. Never went back. Student rate, $60.
Reading- At this time most of my reading centered around diets, fasting, and environmental toxins and included: Sugar Blues by William Dufty, Mucusless Diet Healing System by Arnold Ehret, Sunfood Diet Success System by David Wolfe, Survival into the 21st Century by Viktoras Kulvinskas, Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramhansa Yogananda, The Wheatgrass Book by Anne Wigmore, and The Cure for All Diseases by Hulda Clarke. Library and used books $40.
WOODBOURNE, NY June 2003
Sivananda Yoga Ashram- 2 hours per day chanting and meditation, 2-4 hours per day asanas, 4 hours per day garden work, plus walks in woods, sacred music concerts, blessings, sauna. Felt less depressed at the end off this but my back still hurt and my own personal expression was stunted by their “right” way to act, dress, and having to do everything with the bell, so I had to leave. I think I could have done better during this period if I had time to go running and to pursue my own interests like herbalism and ethnobotany. $500.
BURLINGTON, VT August-December 2003
Bottles of 100% Cranberry Juice, and Cranberry Pills- For urinary tract infection. The girl at the store said the pills worked like a charm for her…not for me surprise, surprise. $30 .
3-day Monostat Treatment- For assumed yeast infection. Didn’t work. $10.
Community Health Clinic- 2 or 3 visits for urinary tract/vaginal infections. They were kinda of mean to me. No reason found for my problems. $20.
UVM Women’s Health Center- For urinary tract infection. Evidence of infection found this time, gave me antibiotics which seemed to stop it immediately. Covered by student fees.
Hospital Emergency Room- One midnight visit for severe urinary tract infection and one follow up. No evidence of infection found prescribed antibiotics anyway, didn’t work, prescribed different antibiotics, still didn’t work. Covered by parents/insurance.
Over the Counter Urinary Tract Analgesic- No relief, $10.
Natalie at University Gynecology- Recommended by emergency room doctor because she was his girlfriend. Tested extensively for infection and STD’s. No reason for troubles found. Insurance.
Immune Boosting Reishi Mushrooms- One bottle. No effect. Shoplifted.
Naturopath Donna Caplan- 2 consultations and several phone calls. Acupuncture needle in ear for anxiety, left there for a week. No effect. Moxabustion and some acupuncture stuff on back. No effect. Anti-candida diet including candida killing supplements, caprylic acid, grapefruitseed extract, pau d’arco tea tea, and probiotics. Effect of confusing and depressing me about what to eat and a rash and sore joints from allergic reaction to the herbs. One thing she offered that did work was telling me to use capsules full of boric acid for vaginal infections. I always use this now with flare ups. $120.
Reading- At this point I had mostly moved beyond alternative health texts to Daniel Quinn, Derrick Jensen and Green Anarchy Newspaper but I do recall reading the classic Anatomy of an Illness by Norman Cousins. Free.
UVITA, COSTA RICA January 2004
Trip to Raw Food Ecovillage, Cascada Verde- Well, I didn’t eat too much raw food there, more beans and rice, and I had a shitty time, but before I left I felt sick and feverish every day and I and came back less so. So I think the climate was good for me at least. $2000.
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA April-June 2004
Psychologist- An eccentric woman, left-handed, always late. I liked her because she liked me, but she tried to tell everyone they were ADHD, perhaps they are, but still. She did some music therapy and guided imagery with me, 6 or so sessions, sometimes twice a week. Probably the favorite of any therapist I’ve seen but she didn’t help me see I needed to get out of my relationship which was very bad at the time. Insurance.
Downtown Family Health Care- I went here because they were advertised as an “open minded family practice”. The doctor I saw was very nice. Much slower and more attentive than others. I had 2 or 3 visits where they ran multiple lab tests for my urinary tract infections. No results so I was referred to a woman doctor in the office who recommended treatment for intersitital cystitis which involves having a balloon inflate the bladder. Never went back there! Insurance.
Psychiatrist David Mika- The eccentric psychologist referred me to talk to him about medication options. Being weak and desperate I was persuaded to try something. He prescribed Remeron. I took it once, and it made me a total zombie. If I had continued taking it that effect would have diminished, but I couldn’t stand the idea of having something so strong in my body. Insurance.
Acupuncture Session and Abdominal Massage- The massage was surprisingly pleasant and she put a needle in my third eye that made me feel like I was spinning in a vortex, but the moment I walked out the door my anxiety level flew right back up to sky high. Free, I won it at the Farmer’s Market.
Couples Counseling, Maureen, Grad Student at University of Virginia- Always felt emotionally drained and fought more after leaving. 4 or 5 sessions. $20.
Nature’s Sunshine Herbs- This is a kind of a sketchy multilevel marketing herb company. I bought their parasite cleanse herbal mixture plus clay, psyllium, and clorophyll for a colon cleanse. I went back in after the first 2-weeks when the box ran out and she expressed surprise that I hadn’t noticed any effects, but was also like “oh, well you can’t expect to feel better in two weeks, you have to take it more than once.” This store however is where I first discovered vitex tincture for menstrual cramps and it has worked like a charm for me ever since. $50.
More Colloidal Silver-$20.
Running, and Yoga At Home- Did not really ease rampant anxiety. Free.
Alternate Nostril Breathing, Muscle Tension/Relaxation Exercises- Always served to put me out help me when I couldn’t sleep. Free.
Reading- I’d given up on strict diets. My reading at this time was more new agey/spiritual in nature. For example, the Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle. I did body awareness exercises and tried to be “in the now” for a few weeks. I had some success, I guess, but then I also remember remaining very calm during instances which should have required the opposite. Plus constant thought vigilance drives me bonkers and I often find concentrating on my work as opposed to daydreaming quite boring. Conversations with God series by Neale Donald Walsch. You Can Heal Your Life plus workbook plus tapes on anger releasing and healing the inner child. Did some affirmations for a few weeks and listened to tapes a couple of times each. No results. $60.
WARREN, PA July 2004-July 2005
Once a Week Series of Yoga Classes at YWCA. $50
Once a Week Series of Yoga Classes at Circle of the Soul. $50
Iridology, Herbs R4U- Woman at the herb shop says I look like I have trouble with my lungs and intestines. Free.
The Mozart Effect- Listened to the audio book from library. Got into toning for a while. Relaxing but no significant results. Free.
Bach Flower Essences- Went through the list and chose the 7 that fit my symptoms best. Maybe I felt a little better sipping water with them in it but that may just have been the placebo effect because they taste like brandy. $60.
MSM Crystals- For muscle pains and joint health. No effect. $15.
Spiritual Counseling via Malcha a Spirit Channeled by Lynn Caufman at Circle of the Soul- I went two times. The advice was somewhat generic. “Make a list of your strengths and weakness…Build a strong personal foundation.” It didn’t help much. By donation, $40.
Meditation Class Series at Circle of the Soul- No effect. $70.
Spiritual Development Group at Circle of the Soul- Once a week we had a lesson on some topic and then we did messages, where people would give each other information from spirit, generally symbolic or metaphoric. I had an interesting synchronicity or two but most meant nothing as far as helping me in life. Free.
Sweat Lodge at Circle of the Soul- $25.
Vision Quest Workshop at Circle of the Soul- $25.
Reiki II training at Circle of the Soul- Didn’t really practice on self or others at all after training until recently. $175.
Counseling, Battered Women’s Shelter, Ex-cop, Laurie- I had 4 sessions then stopped going because I dreaded it. Not because of her, I just always dread such things. Free.
Counseling, Flo at State Hospital- 3 or so sessions. She told me to buy the book Feeling Good. I did the positive thinking exercises from it for a couple of weeks. I generally felt better immediately after doing workbook exercises, but I really hate examining my thinking and trying to catch and change negative thoughts. Once again I found myself being talking into trying antidepressants. Prescribed Lexapro which isn’t supposed to have the same sexual side effects as the older antidepressants but it definitely did. Also decreased my appetite and caused headaches and sleeplessness. No positive benefits. Experimented with smaller doses then tapered self off after 1 or 2 months. Book $10. Sessions $15. Drugs free samples.
Young Blonde Grad School Counselor at State Hospital- Flo annoyed me and pushed me beyond my comfort zone, so I started seeing this girl. She tried more of a life coaching style of therapy than a “let it all out honey” kind, which I preferred, but I still began to dread it after 3 or so appointments and stopped going. $15.
Massage, Tracy Grolemund- Good massage at a good price. She had jasmine scented oil, one of the only scents I can tolerate, but no effect on pain. $35.
Sports Massage, Marcia- Probably my least favorite massage, not really a sports person, I guess. $40.
Hot Stone Massage, Cindy at City Loft- I liked it when she just used her hands better than the stones. She did wonderful things to my neck…I mean it felt great while she was doing it, didn’t help release the pain and tension. Gift from asshole ex trying to win me back, $90.
Emotional Freedom Technique DVDs- I only got through the first DVD in the series. Involves tapping certain points while thinking of your fear. The stuff I tried didn’t lessen my anxiety at all, but I only tried it dedicatedly for a week or so. $70.
Chiropractor Lucinda Marsh- Recommended by people at Circle of the Soul to see if uneven leg lengths were causing my back problems. Country doctor, no conversation, just adjustments. I think she didn’t find any problem with my leg length. Went two times. No relief. By donation, $50.
ThreeLac and Oxygen Elements Plus by Global Health Trax- Candida cure probiotic products. Took for a month or two. No effect. $70.
Aloe Juice, Psyllium Husk, Chlorophyll and Bentonite Colon Cleanse- No effect. $60.
Reading- Primarily self-help and new age Native American including Tom Brown Jr.’s Awakening Spirits. I recorded myself speaking a meditation from this book on tape and did it fairly regularly for a few weeks. Generally fell asleep. No benefits. (You might consider relaxation/sleep a benefit except for the fact that I’m a person who suffers from fatigue and already sleeps too much). Also Spirit Song by Mary Summer Rain.
BRADFORD, PA August 2005-June 2007
At this time I’d become bitter and disaffected from all my failures. I discontinued all dietary and exercise regimens and self-help/spiritual/health related practices and reading and devoted myself entirely to nature studies and primitive skills. I actually felt happier than any of the times I was trying to fix my problems, including now, but sometimes the underlying dissatisfaction with life would bubble to the surface demanding attention. The few things I did try were:
A Short-Lived Renewed Interest in Meditation- Every night for a week or two. Helped calm me before bed. Free.
Failed Attempt at Vision Quest- Returned in less than 48 hours, boring and torturous. Free.
Secret Spot- 40 minutes daily for a few weeks. I started in winter so there were no birds or animals and it was extremely boring. Most of my enthusiasm concentrated on finding the perfect outfit for maintaining warmth while sitting that still in the snow. Free.
Correspondence Course and 4-day Green Witch Class with Susan Weed- I thought she was totally crazy because of the way she treated people but she wasn’t mean to me and I actually felt good while taking her class. In a phone consultation she said I should eat more yogurt for my vaginal infection and drink oatstraw for my nerves, nettles for my adrenals, and take St. Johnswort for my muscle pains. I made attempts at eating yogurt and drinking infusions regularly all summer long and took doses of St. Johns and motherwort tincture daily for several months. I have yet to really correspond with Susan. No effect. $850.
2 or 3 Shamanic Journeys at Mid Atlantic Primitive Skills Meet 2007- Included in entry fee.
PORTLAND, OREGON July 2007 – Present
Body Ecology Diet- Ate more or less for a little while but too strict, failed to even start in earnest (see Beyond Body Ecology?…). Feel extreme hatred for. Now I eat a Paleo-ish diet. Mostly organic, heavy on the meat, veggies, and fruit, some kombucha, sauerkraut, light on dairy, sugar, and grains. I’m working more now on paying close attention to how the food I eat makes me feel rather than following the guidelines in any books. It’s a pretty expensive way to eat.
Sweat lodge with Rod and Linda- During the sweat lodge I prayed for healing. The next day my right shoulder cramped up causing extreme physical and emotional pain that I was unable to ignore thus rekindling my search for “the cure” after the 2-year Bradford-era hiatus. Free.
Mike Owen, N.D.- Friend of Willem and Urban Scout. Took a thorough 2-hour history. Prescribed: B vitamins, AR-Encap (msm, glucosamine, etc.), calcium magnesium powder, 5 HTP, Mood Support (St. Johns, Kava, etc.), anxiolytic tincture, adrenal support tincture, essential fatty acid capsules, low dose valium. Ran tests for thyroid trouble and others. These days I have an aversion to capsules and exotic herbs and therefore a hard time psychologically taking all these meds. I’ve used up most of what he gave me, but failed to get refills in a timely manner. I noticed a major difference the first few days of taking the mood support, but haven’t noticed much since then even with the trial of valium. Offering as much as possible for free or low cost. Not billed yet.
West Burnside Chiropractic Clinic- Referred by Mike. 5 or 6 visits. They decided I was good to go because I was a mess when I first went in when my shoulder hurt and that improved, though I doubt it was due to than anything they did. The rest of my back still hurts like normal. They gave me some strengthening exercises to do but I didn’t really do them. It didn’t make much sense either because I tested very strong on all the strength tests in the office. Some of the beginning adjustments made me feel very emotional and drained afterwards. Free.
Sheryl Owen N.D., Outside In- Tested for infection and STDs and it turned up positive for bacterial vaginosis which confounds me because I wasn’t having very bad problems at the time and all tests for infection when I have had bad flare ups have turned up negative. Prescribed antibiotics and pro-biotics. No noticeable negative or positive effects from drugs. Free.
Arnica Montana Homeopathic Ointment by Boiron- No effect on back/shoulder. Feels temporarily good on my foot cramp but doesn’t seem to last. Birthday present from Urban Scout.
Halloween Tarot Reading, Kathy Logan, Mademoiselle Noell’s Psychic Teahouse- That was 3 months ago and nothing she said has really come to pass. By Donation. $3.
Past Life Reading with Christy Noell at Mademoiselle Noell’s Psychic Teahouse- Said I had many tortured lives including being brutally murdered and chopped into bits in the 1940’s. Also that during an life as a tribes person in Africa I was very happy. Mmm hhmm, exactly and that my aura looked like it was full of shattered glass. Said I was part extraterrestrial and part fey (fairy) and that the moles on my face represented the star constellation which I was from. Also that I was very sensitive because I wasn’t originally from a planet with things like pain such, but that sensitivity was something I could learn to use as a gift. Recommended soul retrieval. Nice girl, I liked her, but I left feeling exasperated at her space talk and more confused than before. $100.
Soul Retrieval, Karyn Armstrong- The soul retrieval itself didn’t really seem to do anything, nor did a cord cutting ceremony we preformed, however a breathing/toning technique during the session released energy that I could feel flood up into my head and neck. The cost covered three appointments, and she is continuing to see me for free as long as “the spirits” think I need it. $300.
Shamanic Journeying- I’ve begun using this technique with Karyn and with a drumming cd several times a week at home to intuit information. She’s also letting me take her 4-week journey class for whatever I can pay. My anxiety seemed to lift significantly after one session. Otherwise no great synchronicities yet. Burned drumming CD from library. Free.
Running, Yoga, Qi-gong, Biking- Karyn insisted I start exercising so I started with running which seemed to stir up an enormous amount of energy. I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to run for miles. But then I overworked myself delivering pizza fliers and have very sore ankles and a foot cramp that haven’t gone away yet even though I mostly stopped running (and stopped feeling energetic) and have been concentrating on more gentle forms of exercise for two weeks. I also experienced a greatly diminished sex drive at the same time the rest of my energy went up. I’ve found the whole affair very frustrating. $50 yoga classes and exercise DVDs.
Scott Kloos, Cascadia Folk Medicine- Intuitive herbalism. Instructed to take herbs in small doses and sit with them in a meditative fashion. Recommended yarrow, the herb I’ve always wanted a tattoo of! I like this method very much more than the naturopathic medicine, and definitely learn a lot about the herbs, but the jury is still out on any concrete improvement in wellbeing. Consultations free with work trade, 1 bottle tincture- $7
Jana Spear- Shiatsu Massage for Radical Self Care-The first couple I felt a little emotionally drained afterward, and after one I felt particularly intuitive, now I don’t really feel anything, but they are nice while they last! I mean, I definitely feel relaxed on the table, but just not fully able to let go. I’ve received probably 6 or so massages at this point in time, one every other week. Work trade. I do reiki on her, she does massage on me.
Reiki- I was doing reiki on myself for awhile but it was generally just making me fall asleep after 10 minutes or so. I did it on myself for a headache the other day but all it did was chase the pain around my body, not relieve it. That’s what happens when I get a massage also. Free.
Energy Medicine Book and DVDs by Donna Eden- It does seem to raise my energy level a bit, particularly the first time I followed along with the DVD…and I can feel something weird happening sometimes when I do “the three thumps.” I’ve started working with my friend Theressa so we can energy test each other. DVDs from library, Book $16.
***
GRAND TOTAL: $7591
Conclusions? What works? What doesn’t? Why or why not? I don’t fucking know. I’m every bit as sick as I ever was, at least $7500 in the hole and I feel like I haven’t learned a thing. It’s all still a mystery to me. You’ll notice that I can’t concentrate, that I don’t really do anything for long, but that I often come back to it later only to experience the same hopeful enthusiasm followed by boredom, frustration, skepticism and disillusionment. Thus I can never truly be sure I’ve given something a fair chance. This seems to be a pattern in my life. A painful, frustrating pattern. This time I musn’t give up. Sigh.
February 8, 2008 at 8:04 am
How Paleo is your diet right now? Are you consuming any gluten( wheat, barley, oats, spelt, kamut, rye). I know you say low grains, but take a good look at that. Gluten is notorious for causing mental/emotional disturbances in people who are allergic to it, even in MINUTE amounts. ( not necesarily clinically diagnosable as celiac).
you could try eliminating it for 6 weeks, completely, and rechallenge. YOu’ll have to be hyper vigilant about reading labels and what you eat out. Lots of things have flour added as thickener or something or another.
Going gluten free has made a WOLRD of difference in my menstrual pain and issues. At least it wouldnt’ cost anything to try.
you could also look very closely at the other top food allergens like dairy, corn, soy and the nightshades. I know you posted on nightshades before, so you are obviously aware of those. I think 6 week elimination and rechallenge is the best way to determine if any food is a problem or not.
Good luck!
February 8, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Hi Penny Scout,
I have to agree with darcy blue. I also think you should get a blood test for food sensitivities/allergies. I only eat uncured/unsmoked meats and vegetables (excluding carrots, beets, corn and peas) to kill a systemic yeast infection and rid my body of a parasite. I’ve had pain and discomfort and also SEVERE anxiety and panic attacks. My naturopath said that just as nervousness can cause gastrointestinal upset, so can it can go the other way. Which would make sense why I was so panicky and also unknowingly had a severely inflamed gut. That can cause your immune system to be stressed too, which would explain the UTIs and BV. I would recommend that no matter what they tell you, don’t take anymore antibiotics. I didn’t read all of these in their entirety so I apologize if it was already said, but did any naturopath have you do a stool sample to test your gut? If not, you should. I recommend Heidi Peterson or Sarah McAllister at the Childrens Naturopathic Clinic in Portland. Yes you’ll spend more money, but it was worth it to me, and I’m fixed up now. I’m feeling much better now, but I still get anxious sometimes. I think the only full cure for our anxiety is to be warriors and fight the system/civilization that is really making our souls, bodies, and minds sick and distressed. That and staying out of the city. Also having friends that understand what you’re going through to hold your hand and be there for you when you get too scared. That helps me a lot. I only have a couple of friends that truly know what it’s like to be this scared.
Good luck, and just know that you’re not alone.
~L
February 8, 2008 at 3:38 pm
wow. That’s rough! I’ve been on a similar quest for many years. Not as intense as yours, but still a little frustrating. Until I started the Feldenkrais classes, nothing seemed to help for more than an hr or maybe a few days. I read books by Moshe Feldenkrais, found them interesting, & decided to take a course – since I’m not really good at being dedicated on my own! So far it’s changed things. I still get pain in my back, but since the classes teach “finding a way around the pain, & creative problem solving,” it’s become more of an interesting challenge, than a dead end.
I don’t know if it’s at all similar, since mine’s definitely musculoskeletal – my back makes crunching sounds if I move certain ways! Or if you even want another idea – how’s your persistence holding up?? I’ll stop at giving you a book name, since I’m known to go off on this subject for long periods of time.
Mindful Spontaneity, by Ruthy Alon – I lent a copy to a friend that might be in portland if you’re at all interested I could try to track it down.
-C
February 8, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I’m going to not agree with the diet. It’s not the body you are seeking to heal, it is your soul, and while all the things you did, even in my home town of Warren, were great for your body, I didn’t see what you did for your soul. One of the best things about Warren is our natural surroundings. I live in an area just south and I am able to merely walk the woods and be one with God. Like you, I tried to find healing in my body for depression, anxiety, and borderline problems (the last never being a formal diagnosis, but one professional suggested I get an eval for it). What changed? It wasn’t what KMart or Herbs R4U offered. It wasn’t the yoga (I’ve never bothered). I’m also a Buddhist, and I study Hindu, but it’s not those either. It was awakening to the reality that true healing comes from acceptance and love.
Good luck with your journey and healing. I wish you the best.
February 8, 2008 at 9:30 pm
All of this searching and nothing seems to be working for you. I know you’ve been through this already, but chronic pain is very frequently a manifestation of repressed trauma and I don’t mean just physical or sexual abuse. People will tell you all kinds of things, well meaning as they are.
I got sick and tired of getting fatter and tired. I’d been doing Tai Chi Chuan pretty religiously for years. So I started eating paleo, not strict because I can’t do anything strict, and I started doing Crossfit and sprints and taking long walks with my wife and dog and I feel better than I have since I was 20. I’m now 40 and before I turn 41, I’ll be in better condition than I was when I was 20-stronger, faster, more flexible and more able in body, mind and spirit. My tai chi is even better. This has worked for me extremely well. I don’t know if it would work for you or not but there it is.
I think people make a mistake being religious about things. I guess I’m more taoist in nature. I hope this is helpful to you.
February 8, 2008 at 11:10 pm
check out garynull.com. He may have some answers for you.
February 8, 2008 at 11:53 pm
If I may.
Filter or boil your drinking water and you’ll find some of your pain gone. At the very least let the water sit in an open container in the fridge overnight before drinking. That rule applies for all water you haven’t procured yourself from a spring.
follow the rules for dehydration always.
I think some of your mental/emotional pain will be relieved as soon as the green appears in the woods…
If you visit Pa again,go up to Kinzua as you may have a deeper attachment there…I know I do…
Find a place near where you are in the woods to bond with nature there…especially this spring…
examine your diet to make sure you’re getting all the vitamins you need… go heavy on the natural iron.
if you crave anything outside your paleo diet …eat it …your body knows better than you what it wants/needs…
remember you are undoing centuries of other diet/s in your genetic heritage…
Look again to the shamanic path…the vision will come…but not as you expect or how you expect…thats my read of your situation…
and please write us some more articles on plants..
February 9, 2008 at 9:19 am
I wish I knew about plants as well as you do.
February 9, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Wow, you keep amazingly close track of this, I wish I was so attentive. I’ve been suffering from depression (or melancholia, it seems a better description) for something over ten years now.
I think I’ve reached the point of not looking for a solution, just learning to live with myself and little tricks. Running, exercising, keeping moving all helps some. Reflection does somewhat, too. And spending time with friends. No action brings any truly lasting improvement, but they sometimes help a little. I’m grudgingly reconciled to that now: that my life includes a series of routine actions. Sometimes it seems appropriate to be depressed: there is plenty to be melancholy about in the civilized world.
February 10, 2008 at 12:26 am
Hey Penny, I found your blog through a friend’s myspace page, and I just wanted to let you know that I read it and I like it. Your writing is personal, witty and creative. And I like the things you write about. As far as all your health problems, cutting gluten out of my diet and taking fish oil solved pretty much all of my emotional problems. But if you can’t commit to anything, it doesn’t matter, does it? Good luck with that, it might be a long struggle for you. You can look me up on myspace if you want, myspace.com/prestidigitator
February 10, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Hey fellow PDXer,
Here’s a few ideas that might interest you as I can relate in many ways to you.
Ive had back troubles off and on since teenager (due to one leg 3/4-in shorter and overdoing the weightlifting) as well as melancholia and shyness. Being very physical, xC skiing and biking, being and working outside, has fed my soul.
also recently had some anxiety trouble, which never happened before. but managing that by not trying to take on so much and leaving more time for relaxing and enjoying life.
Tried various antidepressants, all made me tired except wellbutrin which was a life-changer for me. I take 1/4 the recommended dose, 1/4 tab. 2-3 times a day. Gives me the energy and confidence I need. Every doctor tells me that low a dose doesnt do anything (hinting it is placebo effect). Wellbutrin for women is a libido-enhancer, for men it lowers libido. At the dose I take, the effect is small but welcome as my overly strong libido has always been a bother.
Other lyfestyle choices include no tv, getting out with people and socializing, eating well and organically, getting plenty of sleep, getting outside, drinking plenty of water, all the basic stuff. Occassional massage (giving and receiving), a good friend or two, trying to live according to my principles but not beating myself up over failures, etc. etc.–common sense stuff any health/self-help book recommends.
I concur with the gary null recommendation. I listen to him on the radio and he cuts through the bs to find the truth about things in our society.
February 12, 2008 at 7:22 am
Tension is so often genetic. It’s like the color of your eyes. There’s nothing you can eat or practice to change it.
You may have to live and die with your terrible, haunting imperfection. There may be no cure, no salvation.
And it’s a crying shame that the negatives of life give a strong, lingering impression of grief, while joy is always so fleeting.
The whole lot just sucks. All I can give is sympathy. You’ve been trying hard to make yourself right for years, I doubt I could advise you of anything you haven’t tried, or thought of.
But I’m curious: If disaster stuck and you found yourself faced with life or death decisions would your anxiety intensify to utter hopelessness, panic, and/or disabling fear, or is it the sort of anxiety that be inconsequential in such a situation?
February 12, 2008 at 8:44 am
I want to say that my previous comment seems a little harsh.
As a Buddhist, we learn that all suffering is inevitable. It is also from attachment. Those attached to money suffer when they have none. The Buddhists learn to surrender and to accept that things in this life are not permanent in our ’soul’s’ lives.
I have fibromyalgia, so I do know pain. I have had clinical depression, and GAD, and Panic attacks. I still have flare ups and episodes. What works for me is listening to my own body, my own intuition, and my own sense of what is working and what is not. Warren has many things (free) that can help you if you let it. The natural beauty of the place itself is something many compatriots don’t have in their areas. Drive through Illinois and see nary a hill. It allows for quiet reflection.
Good luck on your journey, wherever it may lead you. If you ever come back to Warren, I hope you will try to see Warren naturally!
February 13, 2008 at 10:49 am
Wow I wasn’t expecting so nice many comments!
Darcey, Lizzy and Sue-
Let’s see…in a way I agree with Sue. I don”t think diet is the key to this problem and I personally believe there are gentler ways to healing than the sugar nazi diet, but I could definitely be wrong, that might just be wishful thinking on my part. While diet may be a piece of the puzzle, I don’t really think it’s the deciding factor in ending my struggle. I’ve come to think it is actually more of a soul thing.
Nonetheless I was doing pretty well eating paleo until I started looking for a job and got super stressed out. Now I’ve been gobbling things like cake, string cheese, oatmeal with heavy cream and nitrate laden deli ham. I don’t think I need to eliminate for 6 weeks, or get allergy tested. I’ve been paying close attention so I know I have mild allergic reactions to lots of things including wheat, and butter, I cough a lot after eating them. I would think that if diet were really key my anxiety would get a lot worse when I was eating tons of wheat and diary, but it doesn’t. I might get more tired or something but mentally being on a diet only adds to my problems. Anyhow I’ll continue to do what I can and the the Energy Medicine book I’ve been reading gives instructions for testing foods and even resetting allergies so I might try that too.
As far as Warren, yes I often walked in the woods and near the when I lived there and have a very deep connection to that place. I have only started getting outdoors often in Portland recently and I do think it is important. I’m looking to get out of the city for good. I suppose that like my comfort foods are “good” for me. the city is “good” for people who are used to living there. But on another level I don’t really think it’s good for anyone and definitely not me.
Cristi and Mountain Hick- My back and neck definitely crunch too. hanks for the book recommendation. You’re right, my plate is pretty full right now, but if I run across it I’ll take a look. Same for Gary Null.
Joe B. and Bill- That’s great! I definitely enjoy exercising my body in all kinds of ways. I’ve been pretty excited about it lately. We’ll see if it lasts. And you’re right about doing things religiously. I was trying to run 5 times a week and it was getting boring I was starting to dread it so I’ve mixed it up with yoga classes and walking and biking and qi gong it’s been good.
Dragon- I’m glad you like my plant articles! Where do you live? What do you believe purifying the water does specifically? How does it relieve pain?
Luke- I haven’t really kept track. I just have an exceptional memory!
Carrot-Glad you liked my stuff! Yeah concentration and decision making is one my biggest mental problems, so to concentrate on changing my diet to improve that…well, it’s a bit of a catch 22. I’ve heard good things about the fish oil though.
Anona Mouse-I still have hope, but thanks for your sympathy. What would I do if disaster struck? Well, when I was young and very shy once my friend’s shoelace got stuck in her bike peddle and I had to rise to the occasion and ask a neighbor to help us, but another time I saw my grandmother’s hair catch on fire and I didn’t say a thing! You’re guess is as good as mine.
February 13, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Maybe all this attention to your personal health is driving you batty?
February 13, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Where do you live?-
South of Pittsburg.I woulda ran into you and Scout a the Burg rewild but I was demonstrating archery with a native group in westmoreland Co . I used to run all over the Kinzua,but now I run the Laurel ridges. Some times I’m runnin wild over in Ohio.
What do you believe purifying the water does specifically?-
Water is Life. the stuff from the Tap is poison. All that metals and chemicals aren’t healthy. I worked at a bottled water plant ,and they bottled the same water you could get out of any tap in town.
I grew up on spring and well water. I’m sensitve to any chemicals in tap water. Tap water to me smells like a swimming pool someone whizzed in. Just one glass of tap water has me feeling queezy for weeks.
How does it relieve pain?-
When drinking pure spring water I notice a reduction by 50% of all Pain and arthritis. The remaining arthritis pain I treat with apitherapy (bee stings). 80% or more of all people are dehydrated . Dehydration causes poisons to build up (in the system) and pain results. Some folks are more sensitive than others.
February 13, 2008 at 11:58 pm
I’ve had BV diagnosed twice now, once before I got pregnant with my daughter and once during. They say there are symptoms but that is horseshit, I never felt anything either time. I’m not surprised that you WERE surprised you had it, it can sneak up on you. They put me on these antibiotics that made everything taste like metal. Fun times.
February 15, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Wow that’s a lot of stuff.
Kind of overwhelmed any good response I might give.
Um. For running, try doing it barefoot or getting some jikatabi or ballet slippers maybe to run in if it’s cold. There’s a chapter in Gordon Pirie’s book, which is free, about form that has helped me a lot. Running this way if you do it right shouldn’t be more stressful to your back than walking (or even less so if you wear hard shoes all the time).
I’ve more or less given up on my social anxiety and avoidance stuff. Just try to keep what you have in your life right now if that’s all you can do. Don’t end up like me.
For chronic blah and depression sort of stuff…. uh…. yeah. Exercise–really heavy aerobic exercise, has never helped me. Diet and supplements haven’t either, even though I take like 20 types of vitamins and herbs and such a day now. Music makes me sort of manic sometimes so I can at least get things done for a little while. I’ve only really felt good in the past few years when I’ve been mostly alone canoing or hiking in wonderful places. So, uh, if that works for you, maybe you should just drive north and find a nice river valley in British Columbia in which to hermit yourself?
One last thing, since you’ve done a lot of philosophic and spiritual stuff–check out Alan Watts. His ideas have made life make more sense to me. Maybe read his book The Watercourse Way and try to listen to some of his recorded lectures. It’s all about the philosophy behind various religions (hinduism, buddhism, and taoism mostly) and he gets it more than most and brings a lot of stuff together… confusing stuff that makes most people who are exposed to it into loony religious types.
February 15, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Hey,
I wanted to say that I just started a new blog about “Health Beyond Civilization,” at http://healthbeyondcivilization.edgeofgrace.net. And actually, reading through this post and its comments was one of the triggers for setting the blog up now, although I’ve been thinking about doing something like it for awhile. Mainly because health has been one of my main obstacles in attempting to rewild, and I wanted to set up a place to share ideas and provide some resources to help people who need help in that arena. Not that I have all the answers of course, but I think some people can benefit from what I do know.
Anyway, sorry to toot my own horn here on your blog, I just wanted to spread the word. Thanks.
March 8, 2008 at 5:37 am
Hi–Sounds like you might have hypermobile joints, which predisposes you to dislocations, sprains, strains, and chronic muscle pain. Check out Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Type III. Best bet is to do Pilates type core strengthening to support your joints (cost free) and tylenol (sort of cheap). Chronic back pain can make you feel depressed and anxious, and it probably isn’t due to being stressed out or “repressed trauma”…if it’s hypermobile joints (that don’t stop the range of motion where they should) you are probably constantly giving yourself small muscle strain injuries as part of day to day life. Core stabilization (abs and pelvic floor) may help the back pain. Good luck!
March 22, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Based on the symptoms you describe, I suspect endocrine problems may be involved. I recommend testing your sex, stress, and thyroid hormones, as follows:
1) Saliva test for estrogen and progesterone with samples throughout your menstrual cycle rather than just a single day, as well as several samples over one day of cortisol and DHEA.
A test that covers all of this, which I have used and can recommend, is available as “Hormone Panel – Female” at directlabs.com. No doctor’s permission needed; $309.
2) Thyroid hormone blood test: TSH, Free T3, Free T4, as well as Thryroid antibodies (anti-TPO and TgAb). Other analytes for thyroid are unnecessary and not informative.
3) Blood tests for ferritin and vitamin D (25 (OH) D aka 25-hydroxyvitamin D aka calcidiol; NOT 1,25-hydroxyvitamin D). Both iron-deficiency anemia and low D are implicated in the hypothyroid condition. D is also deficient in most people and chances are you’re low.
The best deal I’ve found for the thyroid and ferritin test (unless you have insurance which covers this AND you’re able to cajole a doctor into ordering those specific tests) is at healthcheckusa.com. Their “VIP Plus II” plus “Anti-Thyroid Antibodies” tests come to $195 (less 10% with discount code “12345″), cheaper than ordering their Thyroid and ferritin tests individually and you get several other useful panels with the “VIP Plus II” as a bonus.
If you have insurance, I’d recommend you ask your doctor to order the vitamin D blood test for you, because she’s much less likely to disagree on the value of that one and because she’ll get the lower, insurance-negotiated rate. If that doesn’t work out, you can get it through services like directlabs.com.
The D test is not as critical as the others, however. Living in Portland, you can safely assume you’re deficient year-round except during summer, and even then only if you get sufficiently strong and long sun exposure. Supplement with 3000 IU of D3 (not D2) daily except from June-October, during which time you should endeavor to get your D through direct exposure to at least 20 minutes of high-noon sun (adapt your skin to this, never get burned, etc. — you know the drill).
An excellent place to learn more about thyroid and adrenal problems is stopthethyroidmadness.com.
If you decide to look into these things, feel free to email me if I can be of further assistance.
April 5, 2008 at 11:14 am
Emily,
I read through MOST of this, honestly. Did any of it involve simply thinking about your childhood? Thinking about yourself and why you do the things you do? Why you think the way you think? Well, mostly why you do the things you do. We do what we do because we feel a certain way, and we feel the ways we feel because we think certain things. Forgive my ignorance if you have mentioned this strategy above. A therapist, someone who can accompany in talking things out, has proven helpful for me. But it’s simply a matter of personally realizing who I am. Why I am. And how to fulfill my potential. I have 22 years to sift through, which is a lot, but thankfully a lot less than it could be. I don’t quite understand your back pain. But you believe it goes along with the depression and anxiety? Emily, emily, emily. xo.
My advice here is somewhat generic. But I think the magic, and the physically-focused strategies, and even the time alone, and the mediation don’t work because they don’t…do anything. Ha. I mean, to change the way you feel, you probably have to change the way you think. And begin by thinking about yourself. Maybe you have done this before. For me, it was hard to enter into at first, but once I was in there, it got easier. The physical exercises, like meditation, and yoga, you can come back to and they will accompany this intellectual strategy well.
If you want to talk more about thinking, or anything, let’s!
Jess
April 14, 2008 at 5:40 am
Have you had a dr loo at your feet for your back pain?
I had to get inserts made. No bac pain for a year now.
Tried eveything that you did.
Jerry
August 21, 2008 at 12:11 pm
This may sound strange, but I know a Destiny Pilot who could probably help you. He is an energy healer, but far beyond normal healers (he will actually be able to SEE the problem energetically and be able to straighten its energetic configuration. His website is http://www.destinypilot.com, but you can ask him to do pro bono work by going to his Yahoo group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/changeyourluck/.
He helped me with a serious, longstanding problem. Now I’m doing some training with him, so I highly recommend him.
August 25, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Omega 3
September 4, 2008 at 7:00 pm
If you are still suffering from health issues…
For urinary tract discomfort that does not present an infection, try taking marshmallow root as tincture or tea and avoiding acidic foods.
I agree that interstitial cystitis is difficult, expensive and potentially painful to diagnose, but you might look into alternative therapies and dietary suggestions for the condition that address immune stress and inflammation.
For depression, if you want to go the medication route, Wellbutrin can be effective in lifting fatigue and melancholia without decreasing your libido.
October 4, 2008 at 6:20 pm
You’re a Sagittarius, right? Boredom, frustration, anxiety is what Sags’ do. It’s their M.O. I know.
You might try Sheila Kelly’s “S Factor” workout DVDs. Connects to the feminine, low impact sort of “workout”, may move things in ways you haven’t tried/experienced before, thus unlocking the back issue.
You may have a pinched nerve.
October 5, 2008 at 10:26 am
Actually I’m a leo.